“She worshipped the sun she found inside of her.” ~Bella
Seek. This word had guided me for so long. I always thought that I would find comfort, pleasure, relief, confidence, peace, love, and all the other good feelings we humans love to feel somewhere outside of myself. I read books. I gathered with people in beautiful places. I have loved and have been loved. Yet still, there was something missing and it felt like a gaping void in my soul.
I shared with a friend that I began to feel like a fraud. My talk was a good one, but I was not walking my walk. And when I say fraud, I don’t mean it in a malicious way. I had a couple of moments of clarity this year where I was able to look at myself deeply and note where I could make changes with big amounts of love and compassion.
The biggest revelation and practice that has come about is that I began to find my inner compass, the place inside of me where all of the feelings I want to swim inside of reside. I learned how to tap into my intuition and weed out a lot of the muck that was blocking this connection. This work is ongoing because the soul runs so deep.
Inside of me is a light. I found it flickering at first but it has been growing and growing and growing. The light has rays that radiate beyond me. It touches the ones I love, the random people I get to talk to during the day, the way I live in and treat my home, and the projects I create. It walks into a room before I do. This light is what I was looking for. It’s been inside of me all along. There is also an equal amount of darkness to compliment it, because I couldn’t have one without the other.
This summer has ignited my love for the heat. I spent time in the high desert under a cloudless sky, sweating out old, toxic ways of thinking. Jumping into a cold river felt like a baptism, a renewal, the right place to begin worshipping the sun inside of me.
On this new moon, I am calling in my angels to guide me as I explore this glowing part of who I am becoming, right now. My light continues to grow as I continue to feed it. Yours does too.
O Love, O pure deep love, be here, be now.
Be all; worlds dissolve into Your stainless endless radiance,
Frail living leaves burn with You brighter than cold stars;
Make me Your servant, Your breath, Your core. ~Rumi