She pretended ~ Deb

she pretended
“She pretended their words did not break her heart.” ~Deb

“Skinny Bitch, I hate you.”

Really? Is that a compliment? Should that make me feel good? How do I respond?

There. Are. No. Words.
No. Not at all. How would you respond?
I am pretty sure they hold their tongue when speaking to someone with the opposite type of figure, right?

These words and other forms of them come from so-called “friends.”
More than once. In fact in my early twenties, I was accused of using drugs, purging and being anorexic.
That hurts.
I do not do drugs. I hate to vomit. And I love to eat!!

Okay, yes, I am very hyperactive with a high metabolism.
I am a little person, with inherited genes from my Daddy’s side of the family. My Mother Cox and Aunt Mabel were tiny little women.

I exercise because I like the way it makes me feel. I choose to eat clean, healthy foods because I like the way it makes me feel. I wear bikinis and clothes that show my midriff because quite frankly, I hate clothing, and would prefer to be naked all day!
And the truth is, I have lumpy, bumpy cellulite, squishy abs and spider veins. Whatchya got to say about that?

It simply breaks my heart when words such as “hate” and “bitch” are spoken to me, about me.

Think twice, speak once.


Filed under Deb, She pretended

43 Responses to She pretended ~ Deb

  1. Thank you Deb for reminding us all how powerful words are. .. Spoken or written, they tremendous power. Yes to think twice and speak once! Sending so much love to you, beautiful! xx

  2. I so wish people would think before they speak. I like to think they don’t realize how hurtful their words are but know that is probably not true. My “words of wisdom” to my kids as they were growing were: “remember, you can’t un-ring a bell – once said, you can’t take it back!”

    That being said, I send hugs and positive vibes your way. Your posts alway inspire me and know you are valued & cherished. …even though we have never met, I count you as one of my friends.

    Hugs … Xoxox


  3. I never did believe that old saying ” sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” — because it’s a lie. The words we use, the tone of voice we use…all of it conveys a message. Jealousy, envy, pettiness…whatever you want to call it. When someone hurls names it’s abuse and an assault on our souls. I dislike that you have been hurt because of who you are, the way you were born. I love that you stand up, speak out and live your life fully. I hear you Deb. I love you!

  4. I know this story all too well, Deb. People say such hurtful things – it was even worse after the baby. The weight just slid off and I didn’t have to do anything to help it. But I felt ashamed that my body was built this way. Only for a moment though. You inspire me, and you are gorgeous just the way you are.

  5. Thank you Dyamond,
    I know you feel my pain….weird isn’t it?
    All we can do is learn, grow and rise above, right?

  6. I have said these words myself.
    I have always been jealous and in total awe of people who are just thin without trying when I eat so carefully and am heavy anyway.
    Oh, I can lose weight…I have done it a hundred times…but as soon as I am not super crazy vigilant, it starts to creep back on…and I am fat again.
    When you have been called things like “thunder thighs” all your life (all growing up I was “Fatso” in my own family) and told you should be on a diet or go on a diet or asked “should you be eating that?” or “are you allowed to eat that?” about whatever morsel you are putting in your mouth, you assume that any words about being thin are a compliment, no matter how they are said.
    But I guess they aren’t when someone actually is thin without trying to be thin.
    When I lose weight and anyone mentions that I am thin, skinny, small or any other word like that I want to kiss them. I want to savor that moment and turn it over and over in my head in wonder that “I” was called “Thin”…that foreign word meant only for the lucky few.
    We have all heard “You can never be too rich or too thin”…there are no phrases that come to mind that say anything good about being fat…”Fat & happy”? eh….not so much.
    When I am heavy, I never feel pretty and when I am thinner, I KNOW I am and I get attention from people because of my looks….when I put the weight back on, I become invisible again.
    It’s really hard to wrap my head around the idea that calling anyone skinny could be bad…although I totally believe it has hurt you and hope like hell I have never said it to you, although I know I have mentioned your thinness in conversation because I am in such awe of it.
    If those painful hurtful words have fallen out of my mouth, I am truly sorry…and will think twice before uttering anything like them again. <3

    • Linda,
      You have never hurt my feelings.
      There is a huge difference when people compliment you from their heart, not jealous insecurity using harsh words.
      You are a gorgeous juicy Goddess, who walks in beauty and kindness.
      Thank you for your generous words and witness here. It means the world to us here at She is Three.

  7. denise

    sweet wonderful YOU!
    you had me at “hey there!”

    • Hey there Denise…..thanks for stopping by and offering so many kind words.
      I kinda adore you !!

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  8. I feel all that you’ve written, as I’ve been called the same thing myself. Altho, I never expect to get any sympathy from anyone when I feel my hurt. Being “skinny” doesn’t seem to evoke feelings of empathy from anyone, even friends. We are what we are. I am healthy. I exercise. I TRY to eat clean and healthy. I try to remember that people who call me a “skinny bitch” THINK they are being funny. I think their words come from feelings of shortcomings in their own lives…as do MOST hurtful words of any kind do. We all need to live lives where we are comfortable in our skin…no matter the shape, color or size. The world would be a much better place.

  9. i used this on my blog today…it seems fitting here to. it reminds me of you!! xoxo.

    “You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you,
    I wish you would surrender to your radiance…
    your integrity, your beautiful human grace.”
    ~ Yogi Bhajan

  10. kelli may-krenz

    i think it would be a beautiful world if we all acted more like dogs.
    yep. that is what i think.

    love you and your beautiful self.


  11. jan armentrout

    Deb…I have said these words to women that are close friends of mine…in jest…hopefully they took my humor in the correct way. Seeing it from “the other side” now, I have to say I won’t be using those words again. However, as a person who has struggled with weight issues in the last 15 years, I must relate a story: I was at a “high brow” company conference with my husband some years back. The spouses had separate events to attend. The featured speaker was an extremely funny lady who I bumped into later that evening at a cocktail reception. We were having a wonderful conversation when she said “Well darlin’ (she was a Texan through and through) tell me, when is the baby due?” I couldn’t help myself…it was one of those moments you always hear about but never really know anyone that it’s happened to…I started laughing in a slow rumble that just got louder and louder. The “speaker” was getting more and more confused the louder I laughed. Finally I was able to utter the words “Oh sweetie, I’m not pregnant! I’m just fat!” Naturally the woman was mortified…but, to this day, I think it’s one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. We ended our conversation happily with good humor and no offenses taken. Fast forward to today…I’m in the gym five days a week, three with a personal trainer, probably eating the same way you do, and almost back to the size I was before the cancer I contracted that started the whole weight issue! I still laugh everyday…thin, fat…laughter makes every day brighter.

  12. Jan,
    You are brilliant! What a fantastic comeback!!
    I may be thin-skinned and skinny… but my heart prefers nice, positive language …yet hands down…laughter is the BEST medicine for ANYTHING !!
    Thanks for sharing your story here !!

  13. it breaks my heart for you:) and on the opposite side, people feel free to tell me all the time how to lose weight and that i’d be a better person. neither of these things is helpful. but i love you and you make my heart warm!

  14. It’s amazing how much power we give words spoken to us. The words spoken to me were different but the pain they created in my heart and mind left scars make-up can’t hide. I have hidden my scars under layers of fat. I was not strong. Fortunately, when I moved to Bellingham I made up new rules to live by and this enabled me to meet some amazing women who speak kindly and truthfully to the woman within. You were one of those women, Deb. You move me. Your spirit cannot be caged and is not bound by skin and bone. And I am so glad.

    I am sorry someone said those words to you and I also feel sorry for the “friend” who said them. They are obviously very unhappy and oblivious to the wondrous joy of being alive in this day and age. Thank you for speaking up, Deb.

  15. Oh Deb, people forget that our bodies are just borrowed vehicles anyways…..gently remind them that the genetics that they seem to be darkly jealous of we’re not necessarily something you have control over. ( just as those of us who struggle with weight) …and to be kind…it’s a teachable moment! Xx

  16. Yes, Kerin, a teachable moment.
    Spoken truth.
    Thank you for your witness
    Be. Kind.

  17. You are beautiful and a gorgeous soul and anyone who thinks otherwise can go to hell (oops did I say that out loud?) So sorry you had to endure such hateful words but I celebrate how you stand in your own genius anyway. Love how alive you are in your skin. It is VERY inspiring. Sending you much love!

  18. Barbara Paulsen

    Deb- I’ve been thinking about what you wrote all day and I know at one point I definitely expressed envy of your metabolism. I hope my past comment wasn’t hurtful, but if it was — well, I sincerely apologize. I love your spirit and and energy and have nothing but admiration for all your do and all you are and would never want to hurt you with an unthoughtful remark. It is a good reminder to me , however, (your post) because my daughter is like you— petite and thin. She often gets comments, but nothing quite as ugly as the B-word. Still it is something I probably need to touch base with her and see how she deals with it and if there is anything I can do to help her navigate the emotions behind the remarks. Thank you for your honesty, my friend. xo, Barbara

  19. Barbara,
    In no way did you offend me, ever. The harsh word of “B” were spoken a few years ago, to my face.
    Being envious and complimentary in a kind way is so different than the name calling, all along thinking it is funny.
    You and me, here at She is Three and Makings of Motherhood, write about some pretty tender topics, with our truths and struggles. I believe we are opening doors of thought, as well as healing old wounds. You are a completely present Mother to Cassie, and she is so blessed to be your daughter !
    Much love always, Deb

  20. Big or tiny, people always have something to say about “how another person looks”.
    Like, what? I don’t own a mirror?
    It’s not right. It hurts.
    It doesn’t help the process of trying to embrace ourselves with love.
    But honey. Don’t listen to them. You are beautiful.

  21. Oh Deb.
    I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt like that, especially by so-called friends.
    I’ve heard such things myself (though not at the moment, in my postpartum body!)
    Over the years, I’ve come to understand that people say such things out of jealousy.
    It certainly doesn’t make what they did right, but perhaps it helps us release the pain of their remarks.
    You are vibrant and beautiful.
    That is the truth.
    The truth is what matters.
    Thank you for always sharing yours here…


  22. you are beautiful and wise.

  23. Words, sharp implements
    wielded with malice and hurt
    should be turned aside

  24. oh, gosh, my heart just breaks at the way some people behave.
    you’re wonderful for sharing yourself and your tender story. such a good reminder – no matter the circumstance – to think twice and speak once.
    loving you and your good, good soul always.
    (and this image…evokes such tenderness, such vulnerability…xo)

  25. What does it cost to be kind and compassionate? There’s never any regret. . . .

  26. Oh wow…I am having deja vu all over again!…I have been where you are and have a pretty good idea how you feel! On top of it all I was a dietitian so being accused of being anorexic was exceptionally upsetting! I used to eat three chocolate cover cream puffs a day in addition to my healthy meals just to keep my weight up! But trying to explain to people that it was just as hard for me to gain as it was for them to lose was like pissing in the wind…
    then it hit me…they were just jealous that I could eat & drink whatever I wanted and not worry about calories!!
    You are a very attractive woman from the inside out Deb…don’t let their words hurt you!

  27. like you, i’ve heard it all. why people can’t understand that some people are just thin. that’s all. just thin.
    on top of it, we are thin skinned, especially when words are hurtful and wrong.
    so thank YOU for YOUR words.

  28. Bren

    You know, I am guilty of this. And I do think it comes from envy. Envy that you can walk into a store and find a sexy cute outfit, envy that they make them for your size and not mine. Envy that you can sit in a shaky chair and not be fearful that it will break. Envy that you can slip into a swim suit and still look pretty damn good.
    Envy that I can’t just throw caution to the wind and take those nude pictures of myself. But you know, through all my envy at those that are small, I have never been envious of your body. When I see you, I don’t see a body. I see love. I see an amazing heart. I see someone with boundless energy (which I am envious of). I see a Brave soul. I see creative hands. Hands that long for that first grandchild. I see love in your eyes that I only see through my babies. I also see a soft soul that isn’t as brave as she would like to be at times. But a soul that is always working to share joy and spread happiness and knowledge. When I see you, I see only a soul that I want to be a part of my life until my last breath.

  29. I absolutely love reading your posts! Do I envy you? Yes, but the envy is not envy of the physical vessel which holds your spirit it is an envy of your ability to accept and love that physical vessel. I use to think I had that ability but as I age I am finding it harder to love the vessel. I have been on both sides of the weight spectrum and can relate to the struggles and hurtful comments both sides encounter and have always felt that such comments are made because the person speaking has not learned to love themselves. You are an inspiration to all to dig deep and learn to love oneself.

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