Author Archives: Bella

When she wakes up ~ Bella

Bella Jan Si3

“When she wakes up and greets the morning, everything becomes a possibility.” ~Bella

This is the attitude I wanted to adopt for 2016. I had grown accustomed to a much busier rhythm to my days during the last half of 2015. My daughter began high school and joined the volleyball team. That meant I would be carpooling and going to many games. My husband went to Europe for a month of treatment for his chronic back pain, leaving a majority of the parenting to me. And then there were the commitments and travel plans I had said yes to. All of these things combined left very little time for dreaming or noticing the little moments and gifts that pepper my day.

When I realized that the pace my life had taken on left little room for quiet, reflective moments, I vowed to make a change in the new year. I had also become very pessimistic in my thoughts because I was so pressed for time and not feeling very happy. This was so not me!

These moments of clarity are like god-sends. We can wallow in anger or pity over how things got so out of control, or we can accept the do-over and start from scratch. I chose the latter.

I cleared my schedule and all of the clutter in my room. A clean space just works better for me. I began journaling all of the ways in which I could give myself more time to do the things that make me feel alive: meditation, journaling, being outside in nature, spending nurturing time with my daughter, also with my husband, and of course, time alone.

After spending some time mapping out my plan on paper, I began to see that I actually had a lot of time for these things, I just had to utilize that time wisely. How should I begin? I decided on a morning meditation. That’s when and where it all starts – in the morning. When my eyes open, and the light floods into my room, know that everything is possible. I believe this deeply in my gut … everything is possible. When I come to any situation with this mantra, the energy flows effortlessly. It’s a really beautiful place to land.

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She claimed her power ~ Bella

si3 dec B

 

“She claimed her power within.” ~Bella

 

I call upon all that I know and all that I have yet to know. I marry each of those two ends in the center of my house and it creates my truth. It lives in the vast depths of my soul and is the place that instinctually knows what all of the answers are. It looks like golden amber flames, crackling and flickering like a new life.

 

This is my power. I am reclaiming and rebuilding this woman from the inside out.

 

Last night I had a dream that I was sprayed by a skunk. In the dream, this happened immediately after I had a conversation rationalizing why my credit score needed to be higher and my weight needed to be lower. I say that numbers do not define me, but my dreams have given me insight that I still have not worked this one out completely.

 

The skunk, I’ve learned, is a powerful animal to walk with. “When the skunk shows up as a totem you are going to have opportunities to bring out new respect and self esteem*” This is so on point with where I am right now.

 

I am in the midst of an awakening with plenty of dust that has settled in spaces that I have ignored. Clearly, there is always something that needs to be worked through and sometimes I question if I have the strength to go on this journey yet again.
That is when I reach deep into that place and decide that I can. I am strong. I will rebuild myself one more time. This, for me, is the only way.

 

Behind me, I will leave a trail of smoldering ashes. When I lack strength to move forward, all I need to do is look behind me. And so, I begin.

 

*from the book: Animal Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small by Ted Andrews.

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She danced with the wind ~ Bella

bella si3 nov
 
Sometimes I will think about a prompt for an entire month prior to taking my photo. There are locations I think might work for my photo or a feeling I want to convey in the image.
 
But this month, I have been very much in my head, retreated inwards, and not very much in the mood for dancing. I thought about how to share this truth for myself and for you who follow us.
 
I did dread taking this photo but when I stripped down the reasons why, I figured out that I could just show up inside of my truth.
The only dancing happening here this month are the thoughts in my head. I’m staring out of windows and mindfully focusing on the double knit, double purl pattern of the hat I’m knitting before the snow comes. The impending winter is upon us and I am doing some serious work in my marriage and relationships.
 
This is where I am. I am committed to showing up, but I must share a photo of what is real. I can’t fake it, I don’t think that’s possible to do in self portraiture if you’re using the medium for soul work.
Without regrets, I share with you where I was on this day.
Shift happens.
I’m in the midst of it.
 

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She made magic ~ Bella

She Made Magic
 
“She made magic in a fantasy world.” ~Bella

Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming on my walks when I pass by something that looks like an entryway or a portal. I imagine that by jumping through I would find myself among the fae living in a lush, magical underworld fueled by glitter, magic, and good energy. Here they are merry, they dance, and they keep watch over the humans who are too busy living in a fast world.

I love living surrounded by trees and greenery. The scenery is a stunning backdrop to many of my self portraits and it is where I feel like my most vibrant self. Nature is my home. From the earth, I eat. From the waters, I drink. It’s all one big circle of connection, a bit overwhelming really when I think about how small we all are in this big world. And yet, I still feel the magic well up inside of me when I see an entryway or feel the love around my being from a realm that is not of this world.

We do live in a world that is fast and big, and in our day to day living, we tend to overlook or completely miss the magic that surrounds us. I’d love to challenge you to brew yourself a cup of tea or coffee, maybe make a fruit infused glass of water and go sit outside in nature. Be still, enjoy your drink, and wait for a magical breeze to blow over you. Allow yourself an escape from what is true for a moment and keep yourself open to believing in magic.

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She walked along the street

she walked the street in silence

 

“She walked along the street in silence.” ~Bella

Silence. Some find it uncomfortable, and I can understand that. I have been a part of some very awkward silences and felt that discomfort. It must happen to everyone at some point or another.

Silence. Sometimes my head is so full of voices, I feel it might explode. Being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and caretaker means I give as much as I receive. Well, sometimes. I wonder what being on the receiving end of me is like. Am I loud? Needy? Whiny? Annoying? Funny? Witty? My head is spilling over with requests, conversations, ideas, questions, jokes, and stories that do not belong to me but to the people I love.

Silence. In the curly smoke of the palo santo that I burn each morning.

Silence. In my head when my feet hit the pavement. With each step, I let it all go. I walk along the street in silence each day. The silence comes in waves but those waves are big, overwhelming blankets that I welcome to stay.

There is no street too busy, any will do. As long as I get out and walk, I get to work out the white noise. It is my therapy.

 

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She worshipped the sun ~ Bella

she worshiped the sun
She worshipped the sun she found inside of her.” ~Bella

Seek. This word had guided me for so long. I always thought that I would find comfort, pleasure, relief, confidence, peace, love, and all the other good feelings we humans love to feel somewhere outside of myself. I read books. I gathered with people in beautiful places. I have loved and have been loved. Yet still, there was something missing and it felt like a gaping void in my soul.

I shared with a friend that I began to feel like a fraud. My talk was a good one, but I was not walking my walk. And when I say fraud, I don’t mean it in a malicious way. I had a couple of moments of clarity this year where I was able to look at myself deeply and note where I could make changes with big amounts of love and compassion.

The biggest revelation and practice that has come about is that I began to find my inner compass, the place inside of me where all of the feelings I want to swim inside of reside. I learned how to tap into my intuition and weed out a lot of the muck that was blocking this connection. This work is ongoing because the soul runs so deep.

Inside of me is a light. I found it flickering at first but it has been growing and growing and growing. The light has rays that radiate beyond me. It touches the ones I love, the random people I get to talk to during the day, the way I live in and treat my home, and the projects I create. It walks into a room before I do. This light is what I was looking for. It’s been inside of me all along. There is also an equal amount of darkness to compliment it, because I couldn’t have one without the other.

This summer has ignited my love for the heat. I spent time in the high desert under a cloudless sky, sweating out old, toxic ways of thinking. Jumping into a cold river felt like a baptism, a renewal, the right place to begin worshipping the sun inside of me.

On this new moon, I am calling in my angels to guide me as I explore this glowing part of who I am becoming, right now. My light continues to grow as I continue to feed it. Yours does too.

 

O Love, O pure deep love, be here, be now.

Be all; worlds dissolve into Your stainless endless radiance,

Frail living leaves burn with You brighter than cold stars;

Make me Your servant, Your breath, Your core.  ~Rumi

 

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She found freedom ~ Bella

Bella July Si3

“She found freedom when she stopped looking backwards.” ~Bella

There is something I’ve learned through the years, along my travels, and from my many experiences.
Never look back.
Would. Should. Could. None of that matters.
It is what it is? Nope.
It was what it was.
The present is my “what is” and in this moment, I choose only to look forward.
You know why?
You can’t go back.
You can’t change what happened.
You can’t take back the actions or the words.
You can’t relive a moment.
I choose to stay here, in the present, with my eyes fixed on the horizon.
Barefoot. Forward. Free.

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She went to the water ~ Bella

"she went to the water"

“She went to the water to satiate her thirst.” ~Bella

 

Water.

It is the element that sustains life. A wilting plant, born from the earth, stands tall again when nourished with love and water.

A soul, dried from lack of care, bounces back with vigor when hydrated with the purest liquid known to man.

Water.

Before we existed, there was land and there was water.

I am thirsty. I have written articles listing reasons why I go to the water. I have written blog posts expressing how connected to the water I feel. But still, I am thirsty.

In these dry seasons, I forget things. My creativity vanishes. My plants suffer.

Water.

I have to remind myself daily to drink up. My energy channels feel clearer and my body becomes one with the flow of my day. I pick up a watering can and nurture my plant’s thirst. My head becomes less foggy. I am hydrated and in my lush green, forest-surrounded home. The roses are blooming because I sing to them and give them the shower they crave.

Water.

And like the roses, I come back to life when I allow my thirst to be satiated.

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She regained her strength ~ Bella

she regained her strength

 
“She regained her strength by breathing in the scent of life.” ~Bella
 
She watched the forest behind her home come back to life.

Lush green blossomed everywhere.

She felt like anything was possible.

She walked barefoot in the silky grass among the dandelions.

“What if I sit down right here and breathe in the scent of new life?”

It was a thought that she acted upon.

She doesn’t always like to be outside, but on this day she paid attention to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

It beckoned her forward, called her to sit and get rooted.

So she did.

She picked a dandelion and breathed in its earthy scent.

Her spirit soared and her heart grew.

Her joy muscles strengthened and her worries were carried away by the wind.

She felt connected to the earth, to her piece of land, and to herself.

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She replenished ~ Bella

 She Replenished  

She went to the water and she replenished her soul.” ~Bella

We bathe in water to cleanse ourselves. We baptize ourselves into our faith in water. We drink glass upon glass to sustain our life force. Our dry lands and parched trees will not survive without it. Water heals. Water nourishes. Water replenishes.

When I find myself in a creative slump, I head to the water. Ocean, lake, or quiet stream, when I am near a body of water, I can clear my mind of all the clutter and come back to center alignment.

I might have referenced the particularly cold winter we seem to be emerging from. (Actually, I did in my last three posts). This will be the last time I speak of it. The sun has come back out of hiding and the buds are beginning to surface on the tips of the trees. Spring is on the horizon and my soul needs replenishing.

I go back to what I know.

I stand at the water’s edge and allow the winter to fall away from me. Last month I spoke of imagining myself inside of this new season. I am almost there.

The water is my companion. It will nourish my soul.

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